I Made Dostoevsky Roast Tesla's SEO (and Built a Free CLI for It)

Source: Dev.to

What if Fyodor Dostoevsky reviewed your website’s meta tags?
What if MrBeast screamed at you for not having a sitemap?
What if Trump declared your SEO “the worst he’s ever seen”?

I built a CLI to find out.

npx seo-roast tesla.com --persona musk

Result: Musk Roasting His Own Company

Score: 57/100 (C)

• “No meta description. That’s fundamentally broken. Like launching a rocket without a guidance system.”
• “No robots.txt. You’re running a website without traffic rules. Anarchy. I respect it, but Google doesn’t.”
• “No sitemap.xml. You’re making Googlebot guess your site structure. That’s like asking someone to navigate Mars without a map.”

How It Works

The tool scans 12 real SEO signals:

• Title tag (presence + length)
• Meta description (presence + length)
• H1 tags (presence + count)
• HTTPS
• Page load speed
• robots.txt
• sitemap.xml
• Canonical tag
• Viewport meta
• Image alt tags
• Script count
• HTML size

It then picks persona‑appropriate roast templates for each issue found and calculates a score from F to A.

My Favorite Results

MrBeast on Amazon — 42/100 (F)

“BRO. No meta description?! That’s like uploading a YouTube video with no title. NOBODY is clicking on that. Fix it NOW."
"No sitemap! That’s like having your BEST CONTENT buried where nobody can see it!”

Dostoevsky on Stripe — 62/100

“66 scripts burden this page like sins upon a conscience. Each one adds weight. At some point, the page cannot bear it."
"602KB of HTML. So much content, yet one wonders — how much of it truly matters?”

Billie Eilish on Google — 47/100 (F)

“no meta description. so google just… guesses what your page is about. that’s giving ‘i don’t care’ energy. except you should care.”

The Tech

• Zero dependencies. Uses only Node.js native http/https modules.
• Zero API calls. No LLM, no external services—just static templates.
• ~32 KB total. 26 personas × ~20 roast templates each.
• ANSI colors via raw escape codes.

The hardest part wasn’t the scanner—it was writing 26 distinct voices that actually sound like the people. Dostoevsky’s existential weight, MrBeast’s ALL‑CAPS energy, Billie’s lowercase detachment, Trump’s… well, Trump.

Try It

# Random persona
npx seo-roast competitor.com

# Pick one
npx seo-roast mysite.com --persona tolkien

# See all 26
npx seo-roast --list

26 personas: Hemingway, Dostoevsky, Tolkien, Orwell, Nabokov, Bulgakov, Christie, Proust, Bradbury, Strugatsky, Musk, Jobs, Bezos, Altman, Trump, Tarantino, Nolan, Reynolds, Keanu, MrBeast, Taylor Swift, Kanye, Zendaya, Chalamet, Billie Eilish.

GitHub: